Some day I will be good enough for MYSELF

I seem to be going through a bout of depression again. I have had brief moments of suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't do it because I know better but the thought has crossed my mind. I haven't had thoughts like that in a good long time. I'm not sure if it's because of what I'm going through or what.

I am trying to trust the process but it is so hard when I feel like a child all over again. I'm helpless. I feel useless. There's that nagging voice in my head when I can't control something that says "You SUCK. You're worthless. You never get ANYTHING right! You don't deserve ANYTHING good because you can't hold your shit together. People can't stand weak little bitches like you"

I'm so depressed I am actually in physical pain.

I am tired. I am sad. I am in pain.

I want to get to the other side of this and be able to start healing.

So sick of being sick and tired. So sick of hurting and hating because it's the only way to keep me safe.

I hate myself. I wish I could love myself like others love me. I understand that they love me and I am thankful for it. Unfortunately, I don't know how to love myself or even trust my own judgement. I am broken and have been broken for so long I don't know if I can be fixed.

I am just home from seeing Sex and the City 2 at the midnight showing. It was ok. I thought the first one was better. But to keep from spoiling anything, I will end my commentary on that now.

During the previews I saw something that hit home. It was a preview of a movie called Eat Pray Love. A woman gives up her life and travels for a year because she has lost her appetite for her life. It made me start to think about how trapped I feel here in this life I have made for myself. I feel trapped in my house. I feel trapped in my marriage. I feel trapped by my children. I feel trapped by my "job". Hell I even feel trapped by my Mother In Law!

On the way home, I started thinking about it more and had a panic attack in the car.

Now don't get me wrong, I love and adore my husband and my children but I feel entirely trapped. I love my MIL but she doesn't want to go with us any more than my husband does and she needs watching after because of her medical issues. I love my house and yet some days it feels like a prison. I know that my past actions and decisions have put me where I am. I try my best to accept this fact but I resent that it has to be a fact.

I want to be somewhere else. I want to be in Vermont. It's the only place in my entire life I've ever felt "at home" or happy(other than being with my husband). And yet, my husband doesn't want to go there and my children have a life here with friends that they've known most of their lives. I don't want to take them away from that. Michael has issues. God forbid I take him somewhere that the kids don't know him and turn him into a pariah like I was as a child. The kids know him here and somewhat understand and forgive him his frailties and lack of certain social skills.

And yet as I watched the electrical storm raging tonight while I drove to the movies, I could not fucking help have that yearning in my gut to be in Vermont watching the electrical storms bounce off the mountains like I used to as a child. This yearning isn't just a feeling, it's literally a pain in my stomach that is telling me something. Unfortunately, then I wonder if it's all just a trick my mind is playing on me. When I finally got the thing I am and have BEEN yearning for most of my life, I wouldn't fit in there either and would yet again have to find somewhere else to try and fit in.

So here I sit wondering what to do with myself. I think I'll take a pill and go to bed as it is currently 4 AM.

I'm on vacation. The husband is home alone. I call him and he starts complaining that I "never do anything for him". That I'm not interested in him anymore. That while I should be "in my prime" that I act like an old woman. I hide in my office all the time on top of everything else. So not only does he lose me "intimately" but he loses me otherwise. So here I thought I was making headway and apparently that is NOT the case. I told him it was no big deal, that it was just because I lost my Zoloft last month and the last month has been awful because I lost my pills. He said NO. It's been more than the last month. It's been a couple YEARS and he's told me this before but I didn't acknowledge it.

WHY wait until I'm on vacation to tell me this? Seriously. I hate men.

Blackbird is my new favorite song. Well, I always loved it before because it's a calm quiet song and I love the Beatles but right now it is representative of so many things in my life.

Making things work that are broken
Taking something that seems impossible and doing it

I'm doing these things.

Yes, I'm broken but I'm not unusable. Yes, I have spent 36 years being tortured and my spirit is hiding but it's still there. Yes, I have spent 8 years chasing a dream(sometimes passionately and sometimes not so passionately) but I still have a chance at it every single day. Yes, I have been overweight for 15 or more years because food is my friend and comfort and I'm afraid to change that. However, there are other things that I can do to comfort myself so that I don't die because I'm fat and that my kids aren't embarrassed because I'm fat and that I'm not embarrassed because I'm fat and people don't keep judging me because I'm fat.

It's very overwhelming. I feel pushed out of my comfort zone completely. But I know in my head that being pushed out of your comfort zone is the ONLY way that you can accomplish the HUGE goals and dreams that you have. Unfortunately, the less rational side of me wants to tell the rational side to go fuck itself right now. The little kid in my head is SCREAMING at the adult in my head "I HATE YOU!" and stamping it's feet and throwing a temper tantrum.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

I am not getting enough sleep. Or maybe it's my lack of taking my zoloft that's the problem. OR maybe it's BOTH. I don't know. All I know is that I'm short of patience and long on aggravation. My kids are pushing me to the breaking point. They're home from their grandmother's (My MIL's) for 5 minutes and they're at each other's throats. They don't listen. It took them 40 minutes to get into bed tonight. Why does this BULLSHIT have to go on EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.? Seriously. We have the SAME bed time every night. We have the SAME routine every night. It's nothing new and yet...

I currently have a headache that is induced by BELLOWING because they're not listening. They push me until I've said it nicely so many times that I take a deep breath and YEEELLLL! Then, they push it just a LITTLE bit further til I am ready to take their heads off. I used to be able to yell without pain but now when I yell it causes an intense headache in the front of my forehead and the back of my head and the whole top aches with it. It takes me an hour or more to calm down after that and my head aches the entire time.

Alex was OUT OF CONTROL last night in Walmart. I was trying to shop and he was just bouncing off the walls. Let's go here, let's go there. Let me push the carriage(as he takes it, jumps on the end and FLIES down the middle aisle about 5 aisles and almost runs into someone! Then when I took the carriage away from him, he starts running. He runs off about 3-5 aisle over from me and I couldn't find him because I didn't know where he went. So I'm yelling his name and some bitch says "Stop yelling at your child in Walmart!" I said "Whoever is running your mouth over there, mind your damned business, I'll do whatever I want!" She says "Not in Walmart you won't!" (I'm assuming this point it's an employee) So I said, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. She says "Your immature" My answer, I'M NOT THE ONE RUNNING MY FUCKING MOUTH BITCH!" See, I have NO PATIENCE. I mean granted She could have said "Have you lost your child ma'am?" No. Stop yelling at your child. What would you say if I wasn't watching him and he tore the store apart? Maybe next time I'll encourage him to do so and see what she has to say.

I would NEVER have pulled that crap on my mother because we would have gotten our asses BEAT. I don't hit my children but seriously, sometimes it seems like fear would be easier. I don't know. I'm so sick of having a headache daily at night.

OK. So I know I haven't been on here in a while. But I'm back. I've spent some time going to therapy and I feel that I also need to be using this. So here I am.

Anyway, true story. Today the hubby and I walked to the mall with our youngest because it was such a gorgeous day. When we got there, it was time for my stepmother to have lunch. SO we went and got her and took her to lunch. I was actually surprised that my hubby didn't WHINE like he usually does when I mention my stepmother. Today he said, well, if it's her lunch time, then let's take her out!

SO we get into the portrait studio and my youngest is telling her that we're taking her for lunch and he said something I didn't quite catch about my mother. So while we're in the restaurant eating I asked her "What did he say to you about my mother while we were in the studio?" She says "Oh, he just said "I know who you are, you're my mother's mom".

So I looked at him and said "She's my mom?"
Him: Yup and grandpa's your dad.
Me: OH. OK. So who's your grammy?
Him: "She is"(he really said my step mother's name but for anonymity purposes, I'll leave that out)
Me:"Do you have any other grammy's?"
Him: NOPE.
Me: You don't remember any other grammies?
Him: Well, there was one but she had her tongue ripped out while she was driving
Me: HUH???
Hubby: What is he talking about?
Me: I have NO CLUE
Hubby: I doubt he even does


So, the child hasn't seen my mother in SO long that he doesn't even remember her. This is not the first time he's said something similar to this in the last month or so either.

Pathetic.

I haven't been on because my laptop is still down and I have been busy. I think I have been trying to avoid dealing with what I knew needed to be dealt with quite honestly.

Anyway, I had a dream last night that my mother had died and I was living with some other woman. I was in the midst of having a fit and telling her "Don't lie to me! Don't keep secrets from me! Don't treat me like I'm not here and I'm not speaking! I'm SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!" When my middle sister walked in and the woman immediately started ignoring me and talking to her. I tried to talk to my sister myself and ask her a question and was completely ignored by everyone in the room.

I sat in a chair and got angry. Then I started to cry when I realized that I have been alone my entire life. Even in a room full of people I have always been alone. Even living in a house full of people, I was alone. I woke up crying and couldn't stop.

I have never been good enough. Once my sisters came along from men that my mother was "in love" with, I sucked. My mother didn't like my father. She pitied him. That was the only reason she ever got involved with him. So as soon as a child came along from a man who she was in love with, I was useless, just someone for her to be saddled with. I was "problematic" and took everyone else's side over hers. I was nothing special and never would be. My writing sucked. I'd never amount to anything. She bought me a kitten when I was about 11 years old or so because "maybe you'll eventually be able to love SOMETHING properly".

My husband doesn't understand. He gets upset when I cry. He can't stand when I'm crying and there's nothing to do that he can fix it. I get asked a lot if I've taken my "pills" today.(meaning my antidepressants) His mother isn't "normal" but he hasn't had to deal with any kind of BS that I've had to. He had a pretty good family life as a child. So he just doesn't get it. I keep trying to explain to him that I HAVE to cry and feel the pain I've been stuffing for so long. He keeps assuring me that he loves me, my kids love me, HIS mother loves me. SIGH.

On a side note, my youngest sister is seeing now that all this time that she's spent hating me because "Everything in our family that is wrong is HER fault" has been a waste and that we never even had the chance to be sisters. We were constantly pitted against each other because if we were close and depended on each other, we could gang up on my mother. So in order to control us, we all had to hate each other and be jealous of each other.

Sadly, my middle sister is becoming my mother in every sense of the word. She is constantly looking for something "better". She has internet, email and text "boyfriends"(even though she's been married for YEARS) She is manipulative and sneaky. She does my mother's bidding at will because she is now the "golden child". She told my youngest sister recently "I would hate for mom to "go" and have regrets about how I treated her". What the FUCK EVER! I have NO regrets about taking care of MYSELF and MY FAMILY! When she was in our lives there was constantly turmoil! So yeah, I have NO regrets thank you very much!

I have decided to forgo the opinion that I need to visualize my inner child and then care for that child. I have sat back and taken stock of what I have had in my life. The words every girl deserves to have a mother that's crazy about her have stuck in my mind. The reality is that while my own mother was not crazy about me, I have had MULTIPLE women who were. My aunt, my grandmother, my friend Shel's mother, and my mother in law. So, yes, while my mother SUCKS and isn't crazy about me, I truly have had others who would have taken her place in a heartbeat if they could.

I do grieve for the fact that I could have been something different than I am now had my mother been worried about someone other than herself. That person who could have been is lost. I grieve for the me that could have been. I grieve for the mother I should have had and never did. I grieve for the relationships I could have had with my own sisters if not for my mother. I grieve for the fact that my children have to watch me do everything the "hard way" because it's the only thing I know. I grieve for the writer who lived in me as a child that my mother killed. I grieve for the veterinarian that lived in me as a child that my mother also killed.

I feel the grief for these things and I am allowing myself to feel this grief and pain. I acknowledge that I have never been able to talk about these things before because "it's not true" and "You're insane". I feel the anger toward my mother for the things that she has denied me by caring only about herself. I make every effort not to STUFF those feelings as far down as I can and close the door on them.

I cleanse myself off all of this anger and bitterness. I know that it won't get me anywhere to be angry and bitter about it because I've been angry and bitter for so long. I open the door of my heart and allow myself to trust other people including the people in my life that truly love me.

I'm tired now. Aside from not getting enough sleep, I'm not even on my own computer. My hard drive crashed on Monday. So I have to use hubby's laptop til my new hard drive comes. Thank the goddess I found one on Ebay for $80 for a drive double the size I had. :D

I am having trouble with this one. According to my book(Will I ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers) I am supposed to grieve for the child that I did not get to be. I should be closing my eyes and visualizing myself as a child of anywhere from 3-8 years old and I'm supposed to speak to this child and ask them what they need and then care for my "child" myself.

I'm having a seriously hard time with this. I don't know if I don't have the patience for it or what. I'm hoping I can get over it because apparently this needs to be done or I can't move on to the next chapter and the rest of my therapy.